मेज़

मेरे दिल के एक कोने में मेरे कमरे के कोने जैसे एक मेज़ है
जिसपे मेरी पुरानी यादों के कागज़ पड़े रहते हैं

खिड़की से जब वक़्त की हवा चलती है तो मैं
सूखे फूलों के गुलदान के नीचे उनको दबा देती हूँ

वरना पूरे कमरे में यादें बिखर जाती हैं
एक एक करके उन पन्नों को उठाने में
मैं खुद कतरा कतरा बिखर जाती हूँ , बेहिस ही लौट जाती हूँ उन पलों में

किसी रोज़ वो मेज़ से सारी यादों के पन्ने हटा दूँगी
और बहा दूँगी समंदर में जिसके किनारे बैठ के तुमसे हमेशा साथ रहने का वादा किया था


वो कोने की मेज़ अब खाली ही रहती है , गुलदान के फूल
और भी सूख गए हैं , पत्तियां  भी झड़ गयी हैं
बस सूखी सी टहनियां बची हैं किसी छूने से वो भी टूट जाएगी। 

Gulzar - गुलज़ार

गुलज़ार

ये सिर्फ नाम नहीं है।
जज़्बातों का सैलाब है।

जब कभी उनकी कवितायेँ , कहानियां , गीत पढ़ती या सुनती हूँ, तो लगता है कोई ऐसा कैसे सोच सकता है

कोई गीत पहली बार सुन के ही  लग जाता है के ये और कोई नही लिख सकता सिवाए गुलज़ार के।

गुलज़ार एक कवि या लेखक नही हैं वो खुद में ही साहित्य का एक विद्यालय हैं

कितना कुछ है सीखने को।

उनकी आवाज़ और शब्दों में इतनी पाकीज़गी है के जैसे लगता है कोई धर्मग्रन्थ पढ़ रहे हैं...

उनकी कुछ पंक्तियाँ आज उनके जन्मदिन पे पेश हैं..
किसी क्रम में नहीं, जो जिस क्रम में मेरे दिमाग में आती हैं मैं लिखती हूँ...

' बीच आसमान में था, बात करते करते ही
चाँद इस तरह बुझा जैसे फूँक से दिया
 देखो तुम..... इतनी लंबी सांस मत लिया करो!'

' नए नए चाँद पे रहने आये थे , हवा न पानी , गर्द न कूड़ा
न कोई आवाज़ न हरकत ,
चलते हैं ... जो भी घुटन है , जैसी भी हो, चल के ज़मीन पर रहते हैं '

'इस कदर सख़्त हैं, बेहिस हैं, रवायत के पत्थर
जां चली जाये मगर जान छुड़ाना बड़ा मुश्किल है यहाँ '


' दफ़न कर दो हमें के सांस मिले , नब्ज़ कुछ देर से थमी सी है
आज फिर आपकी कमी सी है '

'जिसका भी चेहरा छीला अंदर से और निकला '

'कभी ज़िन्दगी से माँगा पिंजरे में चाँद ला दो ,
कभी लालटेन देके कहा आसमाँ पे टांगो "

'ओट में छुप के देख रहे थे चाँद के पीछे पीछे थे,
सारा जहाँ देखा , देखा न आँखों में, पलकों के नीचे थे'

गुलज़ार साहब हम आपकी  लंबी और सेहतमंद उम्र की दुआ करते हैं

जन्मदिन मुबारक...

 

शाम

ढल रहा था सूरज गुजरती हुयी शाम थी, ये शाम आज फिर तेरे ही नाम थी
अज़ाब ये इन्तज़ार बेरूह मेरी जान थी सुर्ख बादलों से भी सुर्ख मेरी आंख थी

Dhal raha tha suraj, Ghuzarti huyi shaam thi, Ye Shaam aaj fir tere hi naam thi
Azaab ye intezaar, be rooh meri jaan thi, surkh baadalon se bhi Surkh meri aankh thi

चन्द मिस्रे जो तुझे दिये थे, वो अधूरे ही छूटे हैं आज तक

उन्ही अधूरे मिसरों में अटकी मेरी जान थी, उन अधूरी ग़ज़लों में उलझी मेरी रात थी 

Chand misre jo tujhe diye the, wo adhoore hi chhoote hain aaj tak
Unhi adhoore misron mei atki meri jaan thi, un adhoori ghazalon mei uljhi si meri raat thi

फ़लक पे ठहरा वो चाँद जो महज़ एक दिन पूरा होता है, कभी कम कभी ज़्यादा होता है
तुम्हारा वो इक रोज़ आना नसीबों की बात थी, मेरी मोहब्बत भी उस रोज़ मुकम्मल सी बात थी 

Falak pe thehra wo chaand jo mehez ek din mukammal hota hai, kabhi kam kabhi zyada hota hai
Tumhara wo ik roz aana naseebon ki baat thi, meri mohabbat bhi uss roz mukammal si baat thi...

ढल रहा था सूरज गुजरती हुयी शाम थी, ये शाम आज फिर तेरे ही नाम थी

Happiness

I was sitting in a massive pandal of भागवत कथा वाचन. For those who doesn't know about Bhagwat Katha, it is 7 days reading book fest. A learned person is chosen as Vyas and he reads the Bhagwat Katha, story of all the avtars of Lord Vishnu according to Hindu mythology. Aacharya/vyas ji was reading the story, singing Bhajans and Shloks also. Most of the stories were already known to me. What I have read myself or watched in several mythological serials on television. So I wasn't much interested in listening what he was saying. But i was still sitting there partially listening to Vyas ji, partially observing ladies sitting next, left, right, all around me. That is the best utilization of time I could think of that time. In the story, Lord Rama was born and Vyas ji started singing a bhajan to welcome the lord and to give wishes to His parents for His arrival. As the live orchestra (includes a tabla, harmonium, a flute and a vocal artist) joined Vyas ji, I saw a lady in red saree stood up having an musical instrument in her hands like clap and started dancing showly. Soon she was joined with other ladies. I laughed and thought women/girls just need a reason to dance then I cast my eyes at the other end of Pandaal. Some of the men also dancing at the birth celebration of Lord Rama. I noticed an old lady (must be in her fifties) she was also dancing 3 rows in front of me. She was wearing Rajasthani Ghaghra Choli and white color Rajasthani bangles till her elbows. She looked happy and content like she doesn't need anything in her life. Like she has surrendered herself in the name of Lord. Bhajan ended and everyone sat down. Vyasji continued his story till Krishna janma. By that time everyone indulged themselves in the struggle Vasudev, father of Krishna, put to save the life of his new born son. I saw the pain in everyone's eye. How desperately they waited for the birth of their lord. As Krishna was born in the story Vyasji started singing another bhajan to wish Maa Yashoda and Nand baba on the birth of their son. (If you wonder Vasudev was father of Krishna then what is relation between Vasudev and Nand baba, you have to read Hindu mythology) This time half of the crowd stood from their place and started dancing. I am not fond of loud music so I was not at all liking what they were doing. At first I thought its bullshit. Hindu Gurus and Pandits take advantage of common man's spiritual beliefs. But then I saw a couple of faces. They were happy. They were enjoying themselves. The loud music (precisely noise). The crowd must be around 150 people. 50% were senior citizen. 30% were house wives from middle class society. Senior citizen who have done everything in their life and now all they wanted is to serve God for his beautiful gift of life to the. . House wives who wake up first in their home, serve the need of everyone at their homes. There must not be any excitement in their life. House wives who usually gossip about neighbour's daughter/son. No gossiping here. They were listening to the story and now dancing as if a baby is born in their family. Everyone was happy. Some were happily dancing some were happy seeing everyone dancing. It was a beautiful sight to watch. I, who was least interested sometimes back, felt happiness. This reminded me that one of my friend once said to me , what matters is that we are happy at the end of the day. He is usually happy at the end of the day because he gets to eat good food.  Happiness is in our happiness. Taking our sadness to our bed at night is never a good idea. Finding out what makes us happy is not a big task. It could be watching a good movies, your fav tv serial, eating/making good food, reading books, writing a piece on something happen in day, praying, a walk, singing, a drive/ride, playing a musical instrument/sport, painting or anything you like. We just need to look forward to be happy. Once in a while feeling sad is normal. We are human being and anything can make us sad. But to remain sad or look forward for happiness is in our hand. So, choose happiness.

..

She was not happy for the coming holidays. She was sad because she knew she has nothing to do in these holidays. She can't go out and roam around aimlessly. She wanted to watch a movie and she insisted him to go. He didn't deny but didn't say yes either. So, basically she has no plan for long weekend except cooking. But she liked cooking, for her cooking is not duty to feed her family. It is more like a stress buster. Sitting at her window looking out at sky she thought like this infinite sky our expectations are also infinite. These expectations are major cause of our problems, disappointments and anxiety. Evening sun was setting. Color of the infinite sky changed from blue to orange then purple and finally black. She watched birds flying in groups. They are flying towards their nests, she thought, to feel the comfort of their home. She also wanted to feel that comfort of home which she didn't feel from many years. She sleeps 7-8 hrs everyday but she didn't feel relaxed. She was battling with herself for what she wants, why nothing in this world is giving her comfort, why doesn't she feel in peace. She has asked this question to herself many times but the answer is always same 'silence'. She is dealing with these questions from past couple of months. She has stopped expecting but her subconcious still expects from him. Which she tries to ignore. But not everytime. Her thought marathon was interrupted by his voice who asked her if she wants a coffee, he is going to make one for him. She nodded and closed the window. "The weather is chiller than yesterday", she said to him. He pulled her towards him, put his arms around her and hugged her. He asked if she is feeling cold. She also hugged him and said, "No this place is cosy and warm." He kissed her on forehead. She kissed his chest because this is where she could reach. She loves to rest her head on his chest while they hug. She felt comforted in his arms. She felt at peace. She felt safe. She felt the love and care. She forgot about everything she was thinking and lived in the moment she was. She knew having him besides her she will detangle her thoughts one day.

A beginning...

For her it is the last day
She wanted to tell what she could never say
She wanted to hug him tight
She wanted to kiss him tonight
She dialed his number
What will he say she does wonder
He didn't talk to her
He didn't come to meet her
She was sad
She was going mad
What is wrong
What was wrong
But no answers to her questions
No one she could ask for suggestion
She killed her expectations
She didn't ask for explanations
She left the city with heavy heart
With his memories which keep hurt
She tried to live in pain
But now she has opened the locks of that chain
She is free like never before
It's a new beginning after that last day, with a new she which she did explore

When I die

Don’t cry when I die

Just smile the way you do and say good bye

Don’t cry when I die

I won’t like it at all I will see you from sky

Don’t cry when I die

You know I don’t like to see you sad

You know I feel so bad

Don’t stand far behind

Just sit with me and hold my hand for the last time

Don’t cry just bid adieus

Just stand in front of mee and say, ‘I love you’

Don’t wrap me in a red saree

Wrap me in a white one

Don’t think I am a fool

I have a reason to say so

Take it as my last wish

I won’t feel anything but I don’t want to miss

Request everyone not to cry

Give a pen to all and write a note on that white cloth

A note of those untold word which remained unsaid

A note of the words which you always afraid of saying

A note to say who loved mee

A note to say last good bye to mee

Don’t read chants from our holy book while taking me out of house

But read one of my favorite poem of my favorite poet

Don’t put my body to fire I am already burnt

There are ashes in my heart of many wishes

Don’t cry when I die

'cause I was dead when you thought I am not

Don’t cry now I am gone

Take care of yourself and others as well

A year of Loss

So another year is over. 365 days back the year which started with a hope of positive changes, with an enthusiasm to achieve something has come to an end. What expectations did we have 365 days ago? Were we able to fulfill them? What has changed in these 365 days? What are those unfulfilled desires which we are carrying forward this year like our annual leaves in office?

If I look back and evaluate my year, I find it to be a year of loss. Loss of loved ones who left us forever and left a vacuum behind for us. Loss of confidence (in myself), loss of faith (in people) and loss of interest (in things I love).

The year 2015 started with a grand new year bash followed by a week holiday which remained the only holiday of the year. Family took front foot in place of work / Mee this year. I left everything to look after my family, to be with them in the most crucial time, to give strength when everyone seemed weak. While doing all this I found myself struggling between praises and complaints which looked heavier on one hand while balanced on the other. Thank God that I do not take either to heart else it would be a serious issue to handle.

One thing I realised this year is that it is we who make things complicated for ourselves, not anyone else. If you think you can do everything at the same time, you will be stressed. May be you will successfully do justice to all of them but at what cost ? Your happiness? No! This is unacceptable. Slowly you will start feeling tired. You will feel that you are running in a race and you do not even know the reason. Prioritize things and complete your tasks one at a time. You will save your energy and gain happiness too. One more thing to remember here is not to hurry - whether it is brushing your teeth, cooking or planning for a project. Do it peacefully. Take your time. Precision is more important than time. More than precision, do it for your mental health and peace.

While family became the priority this year, I kept my health at the end in the priority list (may be it was not even in the list) due to which my health was affected badly this year. Headache and knee pain were a routine this year. A new problem I encountered this year was depression - I felt sad without any reason (not due to PMS of course). All of sudden I felt depressed amd got anxious about anything and everything. Only two things gave me comfort in this situation - disprin and food. I went from taking 1 disprin tablet to 2 to 4 tablets in a single dose everyday. Depression led to unhealthy food habits which resulted in excess weight gain and hence, knee pain. I literally stuffed myself more when there was no scope for eating and stomach was already full. If I were to keep a track then no. of pain killers I consumed this year would be 10 times more than that in the last 27 years. One day I almost booked an appointment at psychiatrist because I thought that inspite of taking various pain killers, if it is really depression then why not to take medicines for the main cause of problems. But then I did not go to her. I decided to give myself a chance to overcome my problems on my own. And that turned out to be the right decision.

Last day of the year was the worst day of 2015. I gave up that day. I gave up on myself because I was unable to carry the load. I gave up on life. I wanted to jump off the train, I wanted to drown myself forever. But I am alive writing about the year which I wanted to be the last year of my life. But yes, a part of Mee was killed and died that day. May be I cried that day for a clearer vision. Now I have hopes, and I just need the confidence. I know which path to go on, I just need to move on. I know I will sail, I just need to find out my yacht.

In a nutshell I made two lists here for year 2015; what went out of Focus:

Reading
Writing
Work
Stress
Depression

What are things I planned but are still pending:


Start workout or join dance class or swimming or start playing any sport
Higher studies
Motherhood (I know this is something very personal, but I wrote this review more for myself than to others who will read it. So at the end of 2016 if I check what were the things in my agenda when the year started, I will know it was in my pending list)

If I make a checklist of the things I am looking ahead to in 2016:

Check-off items from my pending list
Write more (even a small piece of 500 words per day)
Read twice the books than I read last year
Give complete attention to my physical and mental heath
Indulge in music more often


But this does not mean I will not focus on family and relationships, because without them I am incomplete.

Looking forward for a better  2016 in personal, professional and social lives!