A year of Loss

So another year is over. 365 days back the year which started with a hope of positive changes, with an enthusiasm to achieve something has come to an end. What expectations did we have 365 days ago? Were we able to fulfill them? What has changed in these 365 days? What are those unfulfilled desires which we are carrying forward this year like our annual leaves in office?

If I look back and evaluate my year, I find it to be a year of loss. Loss of loved ones who left us forever and left a vacuum behind for us. Loss of confidence (in myself), loss of faith (in people) and loss of interest (in things I love).

The year 2015 started with a grand new year bash followed by a week holiday which remained the only holiday of the year. Family took front foot in place of work / Mee this year. I left everything to look after my family, to be with them in the most crucial time, to give strength when everyone seemed weak. While doing all this I found myself struggling between praises and complaints which looked heavier on one hand while balanced on the other. Thank God that I do not take either to heart else it would be a serious issue to handle.

One thing I realised this year is that it is we who make things complicated for ourselves, not anyone else. If you think you can do everything at the same time, you will be stressed. May be you will successfully do justice to all of them but at what cost ? Your happiness? No! This is unacceptable. Slowly you will start feeling tired. You will feel that you are running in a race and you do not even know the reason. Prioritize things and complete your tasks one at a time. You will save your energy and gain happiness too. One more thing to remember here is not to hurry - whether it is brushing your teeth, cooking or planning for a project. Do it peacefully. Take your time. Precision is more important than time. More than precision, do it for your mental health and peace.

While family became the priority this year, I kept my health at the end in the priority list (may be it was not even in the list) due to which my health was affected badly this year. Headache and knee pain were a routine this year. A new problem I encountered this year was depression - I felt sad without any reason (not due to PMS of course). All of sudden I felt depressed amd got anxious about anything and everything. Only two things gave me comfort in this situation - disprin and food. I went from taking 1 disprin tablet to 2 to 4 tablets in a single dose everyday. Depression led to unhealthy food habits which resulted in excess weight gain and hence, knee pain. I literally stuffed myself more when there was no scope for eating and stomach was already full. If I were to keep a track then no. of pain killers I consumed this year would be 10 times more than that in the last 27 years. One day I almost booked an appointment at psychiatrist because I thought that inspite of taking various pain killers, if it is really depression then why not to take medicines for the main cause of problems. But then I did not go to her. I decided to give myself a chance to overcome my problems on my own. And that turned out to be the right decision.

Last day of the year was the worst day of 2015. I gave up that day. I gave up on myself because I was unable to carry the load. I gave up on life. I wanted to jump off the train, I wanted to drown myself forever. But I am alive writing about the year which I wanted to be the last year of my life. But yes, a part of Mee was killed and died that day. May be I cried that day for a clearer vision. Now I have hopes, and I just need the confidence. I know which path to go on, I just need to move on. I know I will sail, I just need to find out my yacht.

In a nutshell I made two lists here for year 2015; what went out of Focus:

Reading
Writing
Work
Stress
Depression

What are things I planned but are still pending:


Start workout or join dance class or swimming or start playing any sport
Higher studies
Motherhood (I know this is something very personal, but I wrote this review more for myself than to others who will read it. So at the end of 2016 if I check what were the things in my agenda when the year started, I will know it was in my pending list)

If I make a checklist of the things I am looking ahead to in 2016:

Check-off items from my pending list
Write more (even a small piece of 500 words per day)
Read twice the books than I read last year
Give complete attention to my physical and mental heath
Indulge in music more often


But this does not mean I will not focus on family and relationships, because without them I am incomplete.

Looking forward for a better  2016 in personal, professional and social lives!